PATENT MEDICINES

It’s wonderfoo, my freens, tae see
The monie cures for ills that be;
A read them a’ but then A’m blessed
If A can tell whut yin is best.

Hoo sae moonie dee A canna tell,
Wae sic a lot o’ cures tae mak them well;
Pills an’ drugs an’ pooders nice,
For fifteen ha’pence, usual price.

Seigel’s Syrup takes the lead,
Noo Daisy Pooders for the heed;
They wud nearly bring the deed tae life
An’ save gie aft the doctor’s knife.

There is Pills of Doan’s for kidneys ill,
Try Harlene drill and young look still;
For people pale there’s Williams’ Pills,
Coloured pink tae cure a’ ills.

Smith’s Compound tae cure the gout,
And ither stuff that taks wrinkles out,
This musta stull mak hairs tae sprout,
The ladies something use tae tak them out.

A cure for burns ye need nae luck,
Try famous remedy, Zam Buk;
Or girn awa’ an’ thole the pain
Maybe dee if ye let them alane.

There’s stuff ye get tae mak ye fat,
An’ shine yer skin like a new hat;
Anither thing no named in sangs,
That gars fat yins luk like the tangs.

If these twa drugs A do believe,
Wur tuk an’ mixed well through a sieve,
It might be safe tae tak them then
They’d mak us mair like shape o’ men.

Their guarantee is in guid faith,
A hunner pun in case o’ daith;
This is nae use tae you when deed
It’s aye the leevin’ takes the lead.

Half o’ these cures A did nae mention,
Tae a guid wheen mair pyed sam’ attention;
For advertisements – but here A’m aff,
You wull get them a’ in the “Telegraph.”

J.M.C. Cullybackey 5th May 1913